Tera's Wish

giving & living value, part 1

Have you noticed that in some times you can look back on your life and see that at certain times you seemed to be dealing with a sort of "theme"? For example, there was a span of time during my teen years that I would call the "men from hell" era. (Some of you may be able to relate to that.) I am reminded of "the wonder years", "the age of innocence" and other literary labels for specific "eras" in a life.

I have learned to think of these times as "life lessons". Times in which life, or God, seem to be directing you in a way that forces you to learn about a specific aspect of living. Some people call this "synchronicity". The idea that things keep coming up over and over in your life because there is a lesson to be learned - and when you finally learn it, you get to move on.

The theme in my life for the last two years has been "integrity". Before that time, I don't think I even appreciated what integrity really meant. Perhaps I would have equated it with "honesty". Today, I understand that the quality - and dimension -- of a person is in large part defined by their integrity - or lack thereof. (I won't drone on about this - if you want to know more about my thoughts on integrity, you can read the article.)

Sometime in the early part of December, I realized that the "theme" in my life had shifted. It took me a while to understand what the current issue was. Shortly after Christmas, a pattern began to emerge - and the loss of a dear friend a few weeks ago brought it into focus.

I have only just begun to think these concepts through, but I thought that it would be interesting to share my thoughts with you, as I go, so to speak.

Value is defined in the Webster's New World Dictionary as: "That quality of a thing according to which it is thought of as being more or less desirable, useful, estimable, important, etc.; worth or degree of worth. That which is desirable or worthy of esteem for its own sake; thing or quality having intrinsic worth."

For four years I have, when given the opportunity, lectured the participants on the ToleNet mailing list on the importance of valuing your own work. If you want someone else to value what you do, you have to value it yourself. If you say "oh it's just tole painting" or "oh, I used a pattern to do that", you are denigrating what you do - and therefore potentially lessening its value in the other person's eyes.

This year, I have begun to appreciate that this concept does not only apply in business - it applies to virtually everything we do. When I was a teenager, I had a friend who had no respect for her mom. She treated her like a sort of idiot. When I spent time with the family, I realized that this came from her father, who treated his wife like she was a child who could not handle anything more strenuous than boiling an egg. The mom, apparently, bought into this because she lived her life as sort of a vacuous Donna Reed. She tended the house and acted like that was all she was capable of, when in actuality she was extremely well read, and had a college degree in business.

I don't know her reasons for accepting or living this life. Perhaps it is cultural or societal - and I don't mean to pass judgment on her choices. The point I am trying to make, however, is that because she did not value herself, or insist that others do so, her children grew up to completely disregard her opinions and abilities.
The other side of the coin, in terms of value, is *what* we place value on.

Recently, one of my dearest friends passed away. In the last few conversations that we shared, she was trying to explain to me the shift in her perceptions due to her illness. At one point we were joking around about her rather extreme weight loss plan. She got very serious, suddenly, and told me, "Oh Tera, I wish I could make you understand how unimportant all that stuff is. I would regain every pound I've ever lost if I could have my health back. I wish I had not wasted all that time worrying about what I looked like instead of spending that time doing something really important."

Since the moment I learned of her death, I have heard those words in my head over and over. "I wish that I could make you understand how unimportant all that stuff is." If you knew you only had a few months to live - what would be important to you?

I think that these two sides of value are interrelated because what you value will in turn affect your own valuation of yourself and others.

Having committed to Sarah Ban Breathnach's Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy as a project for this year, I am finding that I have a completely different understanding of the passages that I read just a year ago.

One of the things that I have understood with greater depth this year is the concept of keeping things simple, and choosing quality over quantity. In December, it became obvious that we needed to replace Ken's "dress" shoes - as we were in danger of being banned from any place that required such niceties due to their, shall we say, well used state. On the way to the store I asked Ken how long he'd had them. He said three years. I thought this was pretty good until I realized that we'd been married that long and I know he'd only dressed up a dozen or so times in that period! So, I asked where he had purchased them - well, you guess it, a discount place for $25.00. In this case, "you get what you pay for" was more than just an adage.

Now, Ken is not a great shopper - and he is an even worse "spender" generally, so when I marched him into Nordstroms you could faintly hear "Taps" playing in the background. Fortunately they were having their half-yearly men's sale, so that perked him up a little. Now, Nordstroms, for those of you who don't know them, is a store that is famous for their shoe department. The salesman saw us coming. He apparently knew a geek when he saw one - because he explained to Ken how shoes were made. He explained the subtle differences, the quality of the materials, the give of various processes of leather. Suddenly Ken - Mr. "Payless is good enough for me" - felt that spending $400.00 on a pair of shoes was an "investment". The only difference was his appreciation of the "value" of a good pair of shoes. (I told him I'd give him a piggy bank to save his change!)

There is value in a good pair of shoes - there is value in anything of quality. Let me tell you, although Ken did not get his $400.00 shoes, he was walking a lot taller in the shoes he did get because he felt that he got something that was really valuable (on sale, no less). As shallow as it may seem, the quality of the things we surround ourselves with do have an affect upon our feelings of self-worth. Our feelings of self-worth, in turn, affect our beliefs about the value of the things we do and create.

Seeing a pattern here?

I will end with this thought . . . the difference in the value of many things is the quality of the materials that go into making them. What is the value of your life? What is the value you provide to others in your work - and in the things you do for others? I believe that in order for you to fulfill your potential, you must start by valuing yourself. That means treating yourself well. It means demanding to be treated well by others.

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