Tera's Wish

toxic people

The joy of making a radical change in your life (in my instance a move to Northern California for two years a few years ago) is that it gives you a completely new perspective on your life. It is like putting a new frame on an old picture. Suddenly you see color and detail that you never noticed before.

Another great thing about moving is that it gives you a chance to shake things up and make changes that are more difficult when you are in your normal routine. Because of some things that I have been dealing with recently, I have made a commitment to myself to get rid of, or at least limit, my exposure to toxic people.

Julie Cameron calls these people 'Crazy Makers'. You know the ones - no matter what you do, it isn't good enough. They are never wrong. They are always angry or in an uproar about something. They like to build themselves up by putting others down.

These people are a tremendous drain on your energy. Often they come into your life because they claim to be able to help you. They are often quite successful because despite their dramatic propensities, they are hard workers. (Sometimes the drama develops later in their careers when they become afraid of losing what they have achieved.) Generally, they will make promises to you but never follow through, or only do part of what they promise so that you still need them.

They are toxic to your life and to your creativity. Their demands will keep you upset or so busy that you don't have time to do your own work. They will affect your self-esteem, your time, and your work.

We all have to deal with people like this in our lives at one point or another. We can't always cut them out of our lives. We deal with them in business or sometimes they are neighbors or family. What we can do, however, is limit our exposure and reaction to them.

I call these people toxic because when you deal with them you feel drained and poisoned. They are so demanding and unpleasant that you feel anxious when you know you have to deal with them. They are masters of self-justification (and denial) and like to turn situations around on you (even when their arguments make no sense) to make them "right" and you "wrong".

Sometimes getting these people out of your life is not easy. None of us like to feel like we are letting someone down and these people are masters of manipulation. However, as a person and an artist you need to put your own well being first. Generally speaking, because a person in crazy maker mode won't ever believe that they are wrong about how they handle a situation, confronting them will do little. You can, however, do you best to limit your exposure to them. If you know you are going to see them or talk to them, prepare yourself in advance for the kind of demands they like to make.

For example, I have one person in my life that I have known since I was a teenager. Although she can be very manipulative and jealous, I have learned that if I limit my exposure to her to an occasional dinner with other people present, I can enjoy her company (the good part of her personality) but not let her into my life to the point that she can cause trouble. Since I began to avoid situations where we are alone together, I find that I really enjoy being with her. I simply don't let her into the inner circle of my life.

What people do you have to deal with that make you feel guilty, manipulated, or anxious when you deal with them? How can you limit or end your exposure to them? Is there a way that you can have them in your life without dealing with their toxicity? Most people aren't all good or all bad. If you can arrange situations where you can be with them where you don't have to deal with the negative aspects of their personality, you might be able to relax and enjoy them. If not, you need to put your own well being first and take all steps to limit or end your time with them.

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