risking your life

There are few things in life the peeve me more than having to admit that my husband is right when we are in disagreement. Now, happily my husband (or Stud-Muffin as he is called in our house) and I usually agree on most things. That is why it is particularly galling when I have to admit that my initial assessment of any situation might possibly be . . . wrong.

*sigh*

Quite often I have looked back on a period of time and have seen a theme emerge about my life’s lessons. The lessons of 2001 were definitely about letting go of fear and control. (Or more accurately, it turns out, my feeble attempts at control.) It seems the theme continues in 2002.

Stud-Muffin and I have been married for just over six years. In that time, we have lived in six houses. Once, we moved twice in four months. Just so you know, we are not running from the law, nor are we in the military or the circus. We just have been, sort of, well, roots-impaired.

Well, we have been in the same house for nearly two years, and yes, you guessed it . . . we are planning to move. This is where the mighthavebeenpossiblyinaremotesortofwaywrong thing comes in. You see, SM decided that the time had come for us to buy a house. Yes, buy one. Not borrow someone else’s home and pay an exorbitant amount each month for the privilege, not buy an RV and wander around the country, but go-into-escrow-and-sign-lots-of-documents-in-front-of-God-and-everybody buy one!

Now, as I am a woman that nearly hyperventilated when we went to buy a washing machine because it was such a grown-up thing to do, buying a house seemed a bit extreme. (The previous washing machine was a perfectly good hand-me-down – which is among the best things about being the youngest child in the family. Your parents and older siblings are so used to sharing their old stuff; eventually you get their cast-off furniture and appliances.)

There are dozens of perfectly good reasons not to buy a house and to keep on doing what we have been doing which is extremely comfortable for me because it involves absolutely no risk and I have been doing it for a while now, thank you very much. *sigh.* Unfortunately, other than it being comfortable and familiar, I couldn’t actually think of any other good reasons to throw in his “I’m a grown up now” face.

So, apparently on a mission from God, off SM went into the world of realtors – and because he is just about the most annoying man on earth he decided to make sure that any place we considered had plenty of space for my studio. (Do you know how hard it is to be disgruntled with a man who is going on and on about how much light and space you will have to do the work you love best? I could barely work myself up to grunted, let alone move on to dis!)

In the past I have written about a concept I call “God’s Green Lights”. That is that when you are on the right track, when you are where you are supposed to be in your life, that all the lights suddenly turn green and things that should be difficult (or that everyone warns you about) are suddenly easy as can be.

Well, SM was apparently on the right track because while I was busy throwing on the brakes, pulling the emergency handle, and generally making a nuisance of myself . . . SM found a perfectly charming house in the mountains, with a room big and private enough for a (did I mention that it has a fireplace?) studio, made an offer that was within our budget which the current owners accepted, and now despite all my whining and kvetching – we are buying a house. Escrow closed on the 22nd and nary a glitch. Is that just too irritating for words or what?

And so the house is ours . . . and I owed SM a big ole apology because he was willing to bravely go where neither of us had gone before – while I was holding on to a comfortable pattern of the familiar. The idea of going through all the financial stuff – which always feels like some sort of judgment as to my personal worth — the risk of falling in love with a place we might not get, and just putting out the energy that all of it involves just seemed like too much to me. I was overwhelmed and happy to sit in my little rut. You have to admit, as someone who has written all that I have about taking risks . . . this does expose me as something of a fraud.

Well, dang it, just when I thought I was getting good at this risk stuff!

All of us have areas of comfort – and where we feel comfortable we are more likely to take risk. If you are comfortable in the world of finances, then buying a house or a car or the like may seem like a pathetically easy thing to do. For someone like me that has great confidence in my ability to learn, taking creative risks is quite simple -- but buying a house was a form of torture.

Taking risks, however, is often what gives our lives spice. Buying this house has helped me to understand even someone as adept at “risk taking” as I can stall when fear comes to the forefront. (And as a woman that feels completely comfortable wearing a tiara in public for no apparent reason, I can assure you that for the most part, I’ve got the risk thing down pat.)

Getting through our fear is another thing altogether. In this case, I was blessed with a well-chosen partner that is immune to my attempts at bullying, whining, and bribery. Being pulled, kicking and screaming, into change isn’t probably the most dignified approach. Here are some other ideas on how you might get past your fear so that you can embrace change with a bit more grace than I have recently exhibited:

·        Fear is often the result of lack of knowledge. If you are resisting a change make it your business to learn all you can about it.  

·        Network. Find other people that have gone through what you are working through. Chances are, just being able to talk through your fears will be a big help.

·        Motivate yourself with a list of reasons to take the risk – what are the benefits? What might happen if you go through with this that would make your life better?

·        Make a list of the things you don’t like right now that will continue if you stay in your rut and don’t take the risks. Play it out over time, what are the potential negative consequences of not taking a chance?

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