trusting the process

This week I am finishing up my twenty-fourth "trip book". It is a sort of combination scrapbook/journal that I have been keeping since I was 18 years old. The books are large (11" x 17" roughly) and I fill them with notes, mementos like ticket stubs and brochures, letters, etc. Some books take me over a year to complete. Book 24 was started on January 1, 2000. Because I've done so much traveling this year, I've had a lot to record.

As the 25th book, this one seemed a sort of milestone. I wanted to create a unique design for the cover (which I usually paint). I started with one idea, and then half way through I hated it. I covered it up with gesso and started on another design. That one didn't work either, so once again I gesso'ed over my painting and started again.

I usually have no problem starting over on my designs. Often one or two elements don't work. It is unusual for me to reject an entire design, however, and after my fifth attempt to paint the cover I began to worry. Every ugly thought I'd ever had about my art surfaced. Maybe I didn't have any talent. Maybe I really can't design. Maybe I've just been kidding myself!

Then I remember about trust.

One of the principles I have come to believe in, as an artist is that you have to trust in the process. You have to trust that no many how many times you have to start over, somewhere inside of you is the answer. As long as we live, we have unlimited chances to get it right. As much as it may seem like a pain, you can sand it down, white wash it, and start over. That is your choice and your privilege.

You have to believe that you will ultimately get there, however, and that is where trust comes in. With each attempt you learn. You discard what doesn't work and replace it with what does. You don't lose anything - you gain experience and you gain practice and that is the journey. As part of the journey, you will have some things that don't work.

The worst thing that can happen is to give up. You have to have faith in your own ability. That is scary. Big scary.

What is scarier, however - or at least should be - is to quit. Creating is part of our essence. If we lose our faith in our ability to create (not to get it perfect the first time, just to keep moving in the right direction) we will stagnate. What meaning will our lives have if we shut that out?

It can be difficult to have faith in our selves. It can feel like there is just no way that we can do something when we are at the beginning of the process looking down the long hallway towards what we ultimately wish to create.

The way to move towards trust, and towards success, is to think about the past. Think about how many times you have done what you were sure you couldn't do. Think about the many moments that you were sure you would not get through, and yet miraculously you are here. Think about the parties you were too scared to go to, and yet did it anyway. Think about the job interviews, and the break ups, and the tough jobs. All of it belongs to you. All of it is your history, but it is more than that. It is your treasure trove of experience.

That experience is how you know that you are so much more powerful than you think you are in this moment. Right now, when the voices in your head are screaming that you aren't good enough, you aren't talented (or whatever your personal voice says), you use faith to say "I've gotten through a lot worse than this, I can handle this."

I have come to believe that creativity and art are frightening to people for two reasons. First, there is no perfection, so to be an artist we have to embrace our own imperfections, as well as the imperfections in our art. Second, we have to put ourselves out there for judgment. When you say, "this is my creation" - it is like taking your child to Kindergarten that first day and praying they will be accepted and liked. We all want to be accepted and liked.

When we get stuck and the voice of insecurity arises, the only thing that can pull us forward is trust. You have to trust in the process. You have to believe that if you keep at it, you will succeed. We live in an instant society where we expect results like an order at a fast food restaurant. Art isn't like that. Sometimes it takes days, sometimes years. As an artist you have to keep moving, keep trying, and trust in that smaller voice that is what got you started with your art in the first place; the one that says, "I can do this. I have something to share." That is the voice to trust. That is the reason you started in the first place.

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