don't take it personally

One of the best books I read in 2000 was "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. It was recommended in the first issue of Oprah's new magazine and I went out and bought it immediately. Oprah mentions it in the context of dealing with criticism.

As artists, we are especially susceptible to criticism. Because the nature of what we do is so personal, it is hard for us to separate a comment about our work from a comment about ourselves. A secondary problem is that there is a lot of jealousy among artists. Sometimes people who are not doing their own art will try to discourage you when you are working. They will make comments that might make you doubt the value of your work, or try to distract you from your work. If you stop working, then they don't have to feel bad about not working themselves. Although your work has nothing to do with them, they might feel threatened by your success.

A few years ago I realized something that has been a great help to me in dealing with people. You know how, after a party or gathering, you come home and think about all the things you did? You "postmortem" the event in your mind wishing you hadn't said that, or wishing you'd had a snappy comeback for something someone said. We begin to think about how dumb we sounded, or how we wish we had been more ---- (fill in the blank with whatever your own insecurity is). Then we really start to make ourselves feel bad by imagining that everyone else is thinking the same thing about us. Well, guess what, everyone else at that party is doing the same thing - thinking about themselves. Just like you aren't thinking about what anyone else did, they aren't thinking about you.

If you think about it, it is a bit arrogant to assume that anyone else is preoccupied with you. Think about how little you really think about what other people do. Although people sometimes get together and gossip about one another, most of our time is spent in our own little world - not thinking about someone else.

Now, think about another scenario. You know the story about everyone at an accident scene having a slightly different version of what they have seen? You know why that happens? We all come into live with our own prejudices and beliefs, and those influence the way we see the world.

Tony Robbins gives a great example of this; imagine that you had a belief that all Martians were thieves. One day you leave your bag in a room with a couple of friends and a Martian. When you come back, your wallet is missing. Who do you immediately think took it? Right, the Martian that you believe is predisposed to be a thief!

My husband has his own version of this. We go through it at least once a week. "Honey, where is the -----" (fill in the blank with whatever he can't find.) I respond, "it is in the kitchen", for example. "I've looked everywhere and it isn't in there!" He replies. I get up from whatever I am doing, walk directly to the spot where it is (usually in the front of the cabinet he is holding open), and hand it to him. Once he has decided he can't find it, a neon light would not point it out to him because he does not really believe it is there. In his world, it isn't there so he can't see it until I point it out to him.

We do this all the time. We live in our own worlds and we focus on the things that reinforce what we already believe. At every moment there are thousands of things happening that we ignore. The ticking of a clock in the other room, the pulsing of blood in your temple, the sound of your pet scratching at your feet, the siren in the distance, the way the light is filtering through the window. We simply cannot absorb and catalog everything that is happening around us all the time and also get anything done. For that reason, we filter things out and only concentrate on a few important things. We tend to pay attention to the things that confirm our own version of the world.

In "The Four Agreements", Don Miguel Ruiz says that the reason we should not take things personally is that we all live in our own "movie". He writes, "Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on theirs."

He continues, "If someone gives you an opinion and says, "Hey, you look so fat", don't take it personally because the truth is that this person is dealing with his or her own feelings, beliefs, and opinions. That person tried to send poison to you and if you take it personally, then you take that poison and it becomes yours. Taking things personally makes you easy prey for these predators. They can hook you easily with one little opinion and feed you whatever poison they want, and because you take it personally, you eat it up."

If someone says something critical about you, it is generally to cause you to react in a certain way. They want to manipulate you. If they praise you, they likely want to encourage you to keep doing what you are doing because they approve. It fits in with their version of the world. If they discourage you, it is likely because what you are doing makes them uncomfortable. Maybe they believe that there is just one pie of success and if you have a slice they can't have it. Maybe your dedication is making them feel bad because it reminds them of what they should be doing but aren't. You see the pattern here? It is what they feel and what they believe - it isn't about you.

One of my major lessons from last year was "never defend yourself". I was sent a quote that said, "never defend yourself, your friends don't need to hear it and your enemies won't believe you anyway. In "The Four Agreements", Don Migel Ruiz says that the truth is proof of itself. That is a very powerful thing to understand because if you truly believe it, you will know that you don't need to defend yourself at all. Defending something does not make it "more" right. Defending comes from the belief that 1) you can change someone else's mind, 2) what someone else thinks of you is important, and 3) you have a need to prove that you are right and they are wrong. The truth is that you cannot change someone else's mind. If you have told them the truth and they do not believe it, it is because they are looking at the situation with their own prejudices - and through those glasses your truth looks like a lie. Defending yourself to this person will accomplish nothing because they do not want to see the truth.

In "Your Erroneous Zones", Dr. Dyer quotes Abraham Lincoln on the subject of criticism. I will end with this quote because I think it eloquently sums up the futility of defending yourself and why you should not take things personally. If you respond to your critics, you will never get anything done - and then they accomplish what they set out to do: stop you from what you were doing.

Abraham Lincoln said:

" . . . if I were to read, much less to answer, all the attacks made on me, this shop might as well be closed for any other business. I do the very best I know how - the very best I can; and I mean to keep doing it until the end. If the end brings me out alright, what is said against me won't amount to anything. If the end brings me out wrong, ten angels swearing I was right would make no difference."

In the end, what is done is done. Talking about it, defending, explaining or excusing makes no difference. So keep at your work. Listen to your critics and if what they say is legitimate, act on it. If not, ignore them and move on. What is important is that you keep on working. What anyone says about you is just like smoke in the wind. What will stand is what you accomplish. Keep working!

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