the trouble with perfection

One of the most persistent annoyances in my life is my own lack of perfection. Now, I know what you are going to say . . . "Nobody is perfect." Well, that doesn't seem to matter. . . I want to be perfect anyway.

The trouble with perfectionism is that the standard that we hold ourselves to is generally an illusion. We tend to compare the way we FEEL about ourselves to the way something or someone else LOOKS to us. That is an apples and oranges comparison almost always guaranteed to make us come out on the losing end.

Sometimes we call ourselves "perfectionist" as a way to deflect compliments. No matter how well we do something we just can't be satisfied. When someone compliments us we catalog all the perceived defects in our work or in ourselves. We explain our lack of satisfaction on the fact that we are perfectionists, and therefore nothing less than out own definition of perfection is good enough. (If you think about this, it is also a very rude thing to do to the person handing out the compliment - to explain why something they thought enough of to compliment is not good enough - but that is the subject of another article.)

If you believe in the concept of synchronicity, you know that life tends to give you lessons when you are ready to hear them. Sometimes life gives you lessons when you need to hear them for your own survival, whether you are ready or not. Oprah Winfrey talks about listening to God so that you catch these lessons when He is whispering, not when the brick wall falls on you. I really need to get better at that. *sigh* Imperfect again.

My recent bout with synchronicity has been a persistent message about imperfection; my own, in particular. However, this time it has come in the form of several dear friends, and my own husband who knows my imperfections up close and personal, explaining that I am too hard on myself. At first I ignored it. (Denial is something I have *almost* obtained true perfection in.)

Finally, after visiting the doctor because of a stress-induced illness, I had to face the music. My reaction? "I'm sorry Doctor, I just don't see it. Hard on myself? How can I be too hard on myself. Don't you see how imperfect everything I do is? Don't you see how much better I could do if I just tried a little harder, slept a bit less, and fit into a size six dress???"

Okay, so maybe I have some unrealistic ideals about my life.

Giving up the quest for perfection is an exercise in humility. What that really means is that the belief that you can be perfect is something of an ego trip. To accept yourself as you are means that you have to unblinkingly look at the good and the not so good. That means admitting that the not so good is there, and might be there to stay. The only way to do that is to look at yourself as a whole and acknowledge that the good does outweigh the bad.

In our society, we tend to frown on the reality of self-acceptance while embracing the ideal. I believe that this is because we confuse self-acceptance with arrogance. Acceptance means looking at the good and bad and acknowledging it for what it is. Arrogance is ignoring or denying the bad, and inflating the value of the good. Many of us make it our lives work to make ourselves feel horrible. We compare ourselves to our perception of other people's lives, we create impossible standards to live up to, or we imagine what other people are thinking about us.

Perfectionism can be taken to an even further extreme. Most everyone knows of someone who, despite the appearance of 'having it all' -- career, admiration, a loving family, many friends and a promising future, -- committed suicide. An article by psychologist Sidney J. Blatt, Ph.D., of Yale University suggests that the very quality that drives some individuals to very high levels of achievement may also lead to their self-destruction.

Dr. Blatt describes three types of perfectionism: 1. "Other-oriented perfectionism" demands that others meet exaggerated and unrealistic standards. 2. "Self-oriented perfectionism": 'exceedingly high, self-imposed, unrealistic standards and an intensive self-scrutiny and criticism in which there is an inability to accept flaw, fault or failure within oneself.' 3. "Socially prescribed perfectionism" 'is the belief that others maintain unrealistic and exaggerated expectations that are difficult, if not impossible, to meet; but one must meet these standards to win approval and acceptance.'

Another negative associated with perfectionism is procrastination. Why do something if it can't be done perfectly? Perfectionism often leads to a mental paralysis that can further degenerate into feelings of inadequacy. There is a 'normal' level of perfectionism where you derive a sense of pleasure from the pursuit of excellence and strive to excel while still being able to accept personal and situational limitations. That is a good thing! We want to strive to do our best. However, we can take perfectionism too far until it actually inhibits our ability to do our best.

In her book, "Ten Things I Wish I'd Known Before I Went Out into the Real World" Maria Shriver makes a comment about Perfectionism that perfectly encapsulates the issue;

"Perfectionism doesn't make you feel perfect. It makes you feel inadequate."

In the book Shriver also writes, "You'll need to remind yourself frequently that you're a worthy human being, because there will be people in your path who'll make it their business to tear you down (and especially if you're a woman, you may want to do it to yourself.)"

Imagine what the world would be like if everyone believed that they were a worthy human being. Imagine the respect we would hold each other in if no one felt the need to tear anyone else down out to make themselves feel better. Imagine what we could accomplish if we didn't waste all that time focused on ourselves.

Dropping the need for perfection means that we must make peace with what our lives was, rather than to obsess about the way we wish things were. There is a lovely side effect of this action; we learn to appreciate our lives the way they are. Instead of beating ourselves up and making ourselves feel inadequate, we start paying attention to the good stuff.

*** If you enjoyed this article, you can subscribe to Tera's online newsletter!
Click HERE to subscribe. It's free!***