what I've learned so far

In December, we all tend to look back on our lives. As the "everything in its place" kind of person that I am, at the millenium, I have thought about how the last ten years have changed me. I'd like to share with you the things I have learned that I feel have most shaped my life during that time . . .

The past does not equal the future. New beginnings arrive every day.

Over the past few years, many people have given me excuses why they can't achieve their dreams. When they do this, they usually say something like "you have so much going for you", "you are so smart", or some other comment as to why I am moving forward and they are not. I'd like to tell you a bit about the person I was ten years ago and perhaps you will change your mind.

In 1989, I was 7 years out of high school. I had dropped out of college and worked as an artist. Although I achieved some success, I battled depression and insecurities throughout the time I worked in Hollywood. In 1985, I was in a car accident that resulted in serious injuries to my neck, right arm and shoulder. It took the doctors nearly two years to diagnose the true problem, perform the surgeries to correct it, and get me to a place where I was off of pain medication and functional.

In 1987, I was floundering with what I wanted to do with my life. Although I knew I had artistic talent, I did not consider myself to be an artist. I also did not view myself as being special or especially smart. Mostly I was young, cute, and out partying with my friends with no real purpose. Because I didn't have much that was fulfilling in my life, I shopped. That's it. I shopped. I think that somehow having new, pretty things made me feel more valuable because the more depressed I got, the more I shopped.

Somehow I stumbled on the idea of making very fancy hair bows, and with the help of some friends I created a company called Beaux Regards and sold my bows to the local buyers at some of the larger department stores. The success of Beaux Regards was really a fluke - but it was my first independent business and made me think that I might be able to do more than I thought I could. Also about that time I discovered Anthony Robbins' 30-day Personal Power tapes. Those tapes truly changed my life. In 1989, I applied for law school - much to the shock of my family and friends. Much to my own shock I was accepted and based upon my entrance exam scores was given an academic scholarship.

In law school, I thrived. I LOVED every minute of it. I felt challenged and to my absolute shock other students seemed to think I was smart. I had never thought of myself as smart before. That may seem strange to those of you who know me now, but I had always gotten attention for being cute and funny - but smart never entered into the equation. Suddenly, I was on the Dean's list and doing really well in school.

The past does not equal the future. The person I am today does not in any way resemble the person I was in 1989. Life is a journey. If I had not had that car accident, if I hadn't started Beaux Regards, discovered Tony Robbins, or any other of the small stepping-stones - my life would be different. What is important to realize is that they are small steps. Sometimes people take big leaps in life, but it is often the small, seemingly inconsequential moments that change your life forever.

Occasionally I will run into someone from high school and they cannot believe that the frivolous kid that I was grew up to have a doctorate, run a thriving business, or accomplish the things that I have done. That leads me to the second lesson . . .

If you allow yourself to be limited by what others think of you, you will never fulfill your true potential because no one but you really knows what you are capable of.

In 1989, many of my friends told me that I was CRAZY to think that I could become a lawyer. Guess how many of those people are still in my life? Deep in my heart I KNEW that I could be more than I was at that time. I knew I was smarter than people thought I was. I knew that I was put on this earth to do more than to shop and flirt. I just didn't know how to do it.

For me, I took an easy way out. Now law school may not seem like that to you - but my father and brother are both attorneys so I knew that if I got stuck I would have help. They did help - by giving me confidence, a sounding board, and a support network. I never really intended to work as a lawyer, but I wanted that graduate degree. For reasons I still can't articulate, I needed to have that piece of paper. What I gained by doing that was so much more valuable. I found myself because I was willing to test myself.

What sets a successful person apart from others is that they keep trying when others would give up. They look for another path, another chance, and a different perspective. They learn from their mistakes and move on.

Graduate school was the most difficult thing I had ever done. I was a girl that was a partier - mostly like a living Barbie. I worked so that I could buy expensive clothes and make up so I could look good. I wouldn't put the trash out without full make up on.

When I went back to school, I continued to work full time. My social life came to a screeching halt. I went to school for 3 - 4 hours after work and then put another 3 -4 hours of reading in every night. It was a major life shift for me that I was absolutely determined to do.

Unfortunately, my partying friends did not want me to do this. I would come home to enticing messages on the answering machine for parties, or going to a club, or tickets to a concert or theatre. My going back to school was inconvenient to them because I was reminding them of what they weren't doing with their own lives. The more I studied, the worse their assault became until ultimately I was forced to ask some of them to stop calling me.

If you want to achieve your goals, you are going to have to make some tough decisions at times. You are going to have to go without sleep when necessary, miss concerts and parties, give up the fun shopping excursions . . . whatever it is that is important to you - at some point those things will be tested.

You will also hit roadblocks. One of my roadblocks in school was a particularly nasty teacher. Every day in class he called on me first. Other students would try to come to my attack because no matter what I said, it was wrong. Three times a week for an hour I over two semesters I had to sit in class with this man as he sometimes outright ridiculed my answers. In the end, I did pass his classes, but it was all that I could do. I missed the maximum number of classes I could because the stress of the first semester put me in the hospital with an asthma attack during exam week.

Why did I put up with it? Simple. I had a "burning desire" and passion to accomplish my goal. I wanted that degree. I wanted to be able to say I was a Doctor of Law. That was all that mattered to me during that time in my life. I was so clear on where I was going that what would normally have been an intolerable situation was easier for me to handle because every time it got really bad, I would remind myself that I needed to focus on my goal - and get my eyes off the small stuff.

Fear and doubt is a slippery slope. Once you give into it, it becomes harder and harder to climb back up to the top.

Have you ever tried NOT to think about the theme song from "The Brady Bunch"? Nope, don't think about it. DO NOT think about that song. Well, of course in order to NOT think about something, you have to continue to keep what you are supposed to not think about in your head.

Doubts are like that. If someone says to you that you are not very good at color, for example - every time you have to work with color that comment will come charging back into your head. It is an unfortunate aspect of the way our brains work. Like Pavlov's dogs and ringing bells, doubts are conditioned responses.

In the same way, fear can become a habit. I have said this before - and please know that it is something that I struggle with myself - WORRYING ACCOMPLISHES NOTHING. I often tell people that I think guilt is the biggest indulgence a person can have. Guilt is punishing yourself with thoughts so that you don't actually have to go out and DO something to make the situation better. Well, worry is the same. If you are afraid and you are worrying, do something. The antidote to fear is to learn as much about the situation and your options as possible.

Never defend your actions against unjust accusations. Your actions speak for themselves.

Among the most difficult lessons of the 1990's was that some people always want to believe the worst of others. As someone who was the baby of a family, and was used to being loved and given attention, this was particularly hard for me. I was used to pleasing people and having people like me.

The first time I was confronted with accusations over events that had been twisted and turned until I looked like the "bad guy", I was upset and hurt. I defended myself, I explained, I argued. Then I was really, truly SHOCKED when some of the people I talked to still didn't believe me. I was telling the truth, explaining the situation, and they still believed the worst of me!

After one particularly difficult situation, someone gave me great advice. "Never defend yourself. Your friends don't need to hear it and your enemies won't believe you anyway." That may seem quite cynical, but the truth is that some people will want to believe the worst of others. That is their problem unless you make it yours.

You must live your life each day with integrity and honesty. You will make occasional mistakes, and you must face them with dignity and humility. However, if you are accused of something, you should not defend yourself. Actions are what they are. Talking will not change them. If someone wants to believe the worst of you, they will regardless of your defense. People who are seeking the truth will not accuse, they will ask. They will look at your track record and judge you by what you have done, not the word of others.

Never listen to or spread gossip.

I really never had an appreciation for how damaging gossip was until it was pointed in my direction. Until then, it always seemed like harmless banter. It may seem incredibly naïve but I did not appreciate that what I was hearing might not be true - and that others might believe the gossip and act on it.

At one point, our business was almost ruined because of gossip spread by someone that was unhappy with us. Although nothing about the story spread about us was true - and the majority of people did not believe the gossip, businesses were concerned about being associated with our company because of the controversy, and for nearly three months we had no business because of it. It was a devastating way to have to learn a very valuable lesson.

Another aspect of this is something that many people don't realize - if the person telling you the gossip is willing to spread unfounded information, what makes you think you won't be their next victim? Stay clear of people that gossip and your life will be a lot happier!

At the end of the day, what you are is your word and your actions.

I know that I harp on the importance of Integrity ad nauseum, but if you think about it anyone can boast and claim to do anything. What you are - what people think of you, and what you think of yourself - is based upon whether you keep your word, and what you do with your life. If you think of others first, your life will reflect that. If something is true about a person, they don't need to talk about it because they are living it. They keep their promises and they make a difference.

Jealousy is among the most dangerous and powerful of human emotions. It can tell you what is missing in your life; it can drive others to try to destroy you.

Although I am an avid reader, there are three books that I read in the 1990's that had a huge impact on my life. The first was the Bible, the second was Anthony's Robbins' Personal Power, and the third was Julia Cameron's Artist's Way. In the Artist's Way, Cameron explains the importance of Jealousy.

Jealousy can be used as an indicator of what is missing in your life. If you hear that someone got a contract for a book, for example, and you feel jealous - that may tell you that what you really need is to be writing. Listen to your jealousy and be grateful for it because it is a way that your subconscious communicates dissatisfaction to you.
When Jealousy is destructive is when it is misdirected. Instead of understanding that jealousy is an indicator of what is missing in our own lives and what we should be working on, some people see another person's success as taking away from their own. These people view the world as one pie - and if you have a slice it is a slice that they cannot have. To them, it is a dog eat dog world and you must either eat or be eaten.

These people take their jealousy and let it fester. Rather than taking positive action to move forward in their own life, they make plans to undermine the work of those they are jealous of. This is doubly dangerous - not only is it harmful to the person that they are attacking, but it is harmful to the attacker as they feel like they are "doing" something. This feeling of action makes it easy to fool themselves that they are actually taking positive steps towards their goal.

The blessing is that the old adage of "sticks and stones" is true if we can keep our eyes on our goals. If someone attacks you, don't defend because if you do you have to take your eyes off your goal and concentrate on your defense. The danger in this is that you do what the attacker wants; you stop your work.

What you will look back on is not the work you did, but the time you spent with others.

This was a hard one for me because I love to work. I realized, however, that when I look back on my life; I don't remember the lectures - I remember the recess. I don't remember the homework; I remember the vacations. While work is important, it is important to incorporate people into what you do. To make a difference in other people's lives is the greatest honor you can give with your gifts. Work is not enough. To succeed, you must use your talent in a way that makes the world a better place.

Love is the greatest adventure, the greatest challenge, and the biggest risk you'll ever take.

In 1995 I fell in love with a man I'd never met and embarked on the greatest ride of my life. There is great risk in loving someone else. You *will* get hurt. You will be frustrated, challenged, frightened, and made angry. You will also get the joy of loving someone else.

When you love, YOU are the one affected.

This is really important - and something so many people don't understand. When you love, YOU are the one affected. You could fall in love with someone and they would never know it. Yet your life is forever changed. When you see that person, you feel better. The only thing that your love for someone else does is to change the way you treat another person, and your willingness to let them close to you.

When someone says they don't feel love - they aren't giving love. Someone loving you only affects they way they treat you, and how much time they spend with you. No one can make you feel anything.

If you don't feel loved by a person that loves you, perhaps you have rules that don't let you feel loved. For example, one of my friends recently told me that if her husband really loved her, he would buy her diamonds because they could afford it. I asked her if she had ever told her husband that she wanted diamonds. She said, if he really loved me, he would notice. Because we are the kind of friends that are very frank with one another, I commented that perhaps it was unfair to expect him to be psychic as well as loving. It isn't that her husband didn't love her, it was that she had set up a mark that had to be reached in order for her to feel loved - and that mark wasn't fair or a part of reality.

Love, and let yourself be loved.

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