making a difference everyday

I get a lot of email from people talking to me about wanting to “make a difference’. I think that this is a really noble mind-set. But it is easy to get so caught up in the global idea (e.g. thinking of ourselves as the next Mother Theresa) that we forget that making a difference begins at home.

Every once in a while you meet a man who is a true charmer. The man in my life that is this way wears a suit every day with an absolutely ridiculous bow-tie that he pulls off with panache. Every woman this man meets during his day comes away feeling like a queen. No compliment is too extravagant – but he laces his compliment with the truth. He truly notices people and finds something good to talk about.

The first time I met him he told me that the color of my eyes reminded him of cornflowers blooming in the fields. I’ve always thought that my eyes approximated the color of cement, so blooming cornflowers worked for me! I have seen him compliment 90 year old women on their fashion style, make four-year-old girls giggle at his rapture over their Mickey-Mouse t-shirt, and seen teenage boys walk taller when he complimented their height. His gift of observation seems to help him zero in on the thing that people would love to hear– and when people walk away from him they are walking taller and their day is a bit brighter.

I wonder why we all aren’t better about complimenting each other. There have been many times when I have thought about how good someone looked, or how cute a hairstyle was, or just admired a clothing outfit – and yet I didn’t say a thing. My ego (for fear they will think me pushy, or intrusive, or laugh at my comment) has kept me from saying what I really think.

When I think about the times someone has complimented me and truly made my day, I am truly sad that I am not more aggressive about spreading that joy. Once, a cabbie in London said to me, “do you realize how lovely you look today?” I’m tellin’ ya, I walked on a cloud the rest of the day even though I know he probably said that to all the single women in his cab! I didn’t matter. It made me feel great – and frankly I think fondly about London to this day because of that cabbie!

I would love to be thought of as a person that always made other people feel great about themselves. What a gift! People who are good at giving a genuine compliment must be overflowing with friends – I mean who wouldn’t want to be around them?

I think it is important to say “genuine compliment” rather than just a compliment. I’m sure you’ve had someone tell you how “great” you look when you know you have gained 20 pounds, haven’t washed your hair and spilled spaghetti sauce on yourself at lunch.

To this end, I talked to Howard – my resident bow-tie wearing compliment genius – last time I saw him at the post office. I told him how impressed I was with his skill, and asked for his advice on how to become a better complimenter myself . . . this was his advice.

“To give a genuine compliment, you must be genuine. That is to say, you have to genuinely want to make the person feel better about themselves, and you have to go out of your way to observe something worth complimenting. And no matter how someone looks, there is always something good about them worth talking about.”

I guess that last sentence sums up Howard’s life philosophy – he genuinely believes that there is something good in everyone. We just have to find it.

Howard continued, “If you don’t know the person at all, then the compliment should not be personal. After I’ve seen a lady a few times, I feel comfortable to compliment her eyes or her hair, for example. If I don’t know her – and more importantly she doesn’t know me – I stick with neutral subjects. I may tell her that she looks like she could have walked off the pages of a fashion magazine, or I might say she has a lovely smile. It is important not to make someone feel uncomfortable, and having a stranger talk to you can be uncomfortable.”

“It is true that I probably give out more compliments than other people, but I don’t just talk to everyone I see. I only say what I really mean. For example, my wife and I were having dinner and a family was seated next to us. They were having great fun together, laughing and enjoying one another. My wife and I don’t have children so I like seeing people that appreciate their kids. After dinner, as we walked by, I tapped the father on the shoulder and told him how nice it was to see them together. The compliment didn’t sound corny because it was from the heart. I won’t compliment someone just to talk to them. It has to be real. It has to mean something. You only get that by paying attention to what is happening around you. By appreciating people.

So, if you want to make a difference, consider becoming the Bow-Tie Howard of your town – spreading joy one set of cornflower blue eyes at a time.

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