illusion of life

Recently I read a charming and slightly tacky book called The Sweet Potato Queens' Book of Love by Jill Conner Brown. I read this book on an airplane and I really don't recommend that you do that because there are some laugh-out-loud sections that you don't want to have to explain to the person sitting next to you. If you do not appreciate slightly raunchy humor, I don't recommend it. If you do, put on your tiara and go get this book!

The story, and I don't know if it is true or not but I hope so, is about a group of women in a fairly small town who declared themselves the Sweet Potato Queens and have the float and the sparkly dresses to prove it. These are regular women, mostly 30+ in age, all shapes and sizes. Along the way, the put on red wigs (instead of tiaras) and had dresses made with extra padding in the bust and waist so that they are very curvy specimens of womanhood. They are just out for a good time, and along the way, they changed their lives.

The idea of declaring yourself Queen (or King) just delights me.

Many writers have tackled the idea that we all live in our own little reality. This can be illustrated by the fact that five people witnessing the same accident will tell five different versions of the story. Two of my favorite writings on this are " The Four Agreements " by Don Miguel Ruiz, and the writings of Dr. Wayne Dyer , specifically " Your Erroneous Zones ".

What determines what our experience of life is depends primarily on two things: our beliefs and our focus. Beliefs are sort of rules that you have for your life. For example, a belief might be "To be successful, you have to make a lot of money." If that is your belief you may not think someone who runs a charity program is successful even if they have climbed to the top of their profession and are happy as a clam.

Focus is a more complex issue. By our nature we constantly filter out information because our minds would be overloaded if we didn't. At every moment we are bombarded with information; from the blood flowing through our body, to the feel of our fingers on the keyboard, the clock ticking in the other room, the drip of the sink, the hum of the computer and the refrigerator and all the other machines around you, to the laughing of the neighbors children as they run through the yard, to the birds and the cars, and all the other noises outside. If we didn't filter out a lot of what is going on around us we would never get anything done.

Part of what we focus on is determined by our beliefs. If you, for example, have a belief that all people who are green are thieves then it is likely that when you see a green person you will focus on them to make sure they don't steal from you. If you believe that you are a good driver, you may spend less time focusing on the detail of driving and look around more. If you don't think you are a good driver, you will probably concentrate more on the road to make sure you don't have a problem or get lost.

Focus is also determined by our mindset. I have given the example of the lady wearing a big hat at a concert before. The lady sits in front of you and you have a couple of choices. You can concentrate on the rudeness of the person to wear such a hat. You can ask her to remove it until the concert is over. You can move over in your seat a bit and look around the hat to the stage. Your experience of that concert will depend on the choice you made as to where your focus would be. Chances are that if you concentrated on the rude woman you didn't have a very good time. If you concentrated on the stage, or asked the woman to remove the hat, you would have a very different experience.

Have you ever had an argument with someone only to find out later that they weren't even aware that you were upset? That is because we interpret the actions of others based upon our own reactions. There is a tendency to assume that what is true for us is true for others. This is especially be true between men and women because we have such different communication patterns.

Your world is what you believe it to be. If you have the choice to interpret things in any way you wish, why not interpret them in ways that will make you happy?

In the "Four Agreements", Don Miguel Ruiz suggests that we never take things personally and that we never assume what someone else means without asking specifically. He says this because of the propensity for miscommunication when two people are in the same play with two different scripts!

Making your personal reality a better one takes place one moment at a time. You can choose to assume that everyone does everything out of a good place in their hearts, even though they are sometimes misled, or you can assume people are intrinsically evil and cannot be trusted. What you choose (and it is your choice) will determine what your experience of the world becomes.

I think most of us seen a man who is a bit overweight and only moderately handsome but who carries himself like he owns the world and as a result people fawn all over him. It seems to me that person is pretty smart. I mean, isn't it better to go through your life thinking you are beautiful than hiding in a corner because you hate your body? I'm not suggesting self-delusion, but rather self-definition. Instead of defining yourself as you THINK the world sees you, define yourself for yourself.

I have mentioned before that I think I have pretty fabulous feet. Now, in all my 36 years no one else has ever complimented me on my feet but that doesn't keep me from admiring them. The fact that no one has ever complimented me on my feet does not mean I don't have great feet (cause I'm telling you, I do!) The beauty of my feet (and by extension the rest of me) is not defined by anyone else . . . unless I choose to let them be. I define my reality.

So, if we choose our own reality by the choices we make on interpreting the events in our lives - why not choose to be the Sweet Potato Queen of your town? Why not put on a sparkly dress and tell the world that you are terrific? If you aren't doing that, why not? Fear of what other people might say?

You know when you come home from a party and you think about all the stupid things you said and you obsess about what other people must be thinking about you? Well, those other people are far too busy thinking about the stupid things they said to be worried about you. We spend a lot of our time defining ourselves in the way we THINK other people define us. The truth is, most people are too busy thinking about themselves to worry about you.

I say choose your own reality . . . and make it a good one.

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