choosing friendship wisely

The most important lesson I ever learned about relationships came at a blessedly early age. When I was about 21 years old I went through a serious medical drama. I won't bore you with the details, but suffice to say that I was not the life of the party during that time.

When things settled down and I came home from the hospital, I took a good look at my life and made some very difficult decisions. I went through my address book with a marker and literally crossed out names and contact information for people who had not been supportive of me during that time. Sometimes in life it takes that kind of a crisis for us to understand what friendship is really about.

One thing I have learned about relationships is not to be critical of what other people see in one another. Each of us has specific needs and sometimes a person you have no interest in might be just what another person needs. However, I think it is important to step back and examine what it is that you need from relationships.

This may seem to be a very one sided approach to relationships - and I am not advocating this as your sole approach to those in your life. Rather, I am trying to make this point - the people in your life will have more impact on what you do than virtually any other influence. You need to choose carefully. Once you have chosen, you also need to give back in equal measure all that you are given from the relationship.

That said . . . what is it that you need to look for in your friends? Well, the truth is that most of us fall into friendships. People are convenient, our interests are the same, and they are available. If you are a person that doesn't like to be alone, this can be an even greater challenge. What you need to do is to determine what YOU need from those in your life.

Here is an example of what I feel that I want from those I invest my time into:

· respect
· honesty
· intellect
· emotional support

I personally prefer to have friendships for people who have little time for me! Well, okay, maybe that isn't my preference, but it does tend to be the pattern I follow. My own life is so busy that I am rarely able to spend a lot of time with anyone. In addition, people who are busy with their own lives tend to be more interesting!

I am not suggesting that this is what YOU should be looking for. Each of us has our own needs. For me, the internet is a Godsend, simply because I can catch up with my friends at 3 am via e-mail while they are sleeping. I am someone that enjoys being alone so being able to keep in touch online has added a lot to my life because I can communicate with my friends on my own quirky schedule.

The reason that I emphasize this now is because many of us tend to let people filter into our lives that are not supportive. They are what Julia Cameron describes as Crazy Makers, or as Poisonous Pals. They tend to undermine our confidence and plans because our activities make them feel bad for not doing more with their lives. It is tremendously important to be honest with yourself about the people that are in your life because our friends are like a safety net beneath us. You don't want anyone you can't count on in your life.

This week, take time to go through your address book, and email list, and think about each person that is there. Do they add something to your life? Do you add something to theirs? Are their people you would like to get to know better? Are there some that you should start backing away from for your own good? Be honest. Be good to yourself.

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