being appreciated

I'm going to preface this article by telling you a story that occured during one of the most amazing months of my life up to that time. . . . and all in all, I've had a pretty interesting life. It started out at a convention for decorative painters. These are always terrific events for me because I get to spend time with creative people that I genuinely appreciate and enjoy. I came home for four days and then left for Ohio. I had the privilege to spend ten days working at F & W Publications doing the photography for my upcoming book on Decorative Painting. It was genuinely one of the most creative and exciting weeks of my life. It wasn't so much that something big happened while I was there - it was mostly just being in the presence of so many incredibly talented, self-directed people.

I won't go into the details of the rest of the month as it is too involved and not directly related to the story. The digest version is that my then-husband and I sold part of our company, he is in the process of taking a new job, we are probably moving AGAIN (five times in five years, and twice in four months - that ought to be some kind of record!), and all sorts of career things are happening for me.

During this process - which although exciting is extremely stressful for me because I really deep down like things to be slow and settled unless I'm the one causing the chaos - my then-husband Ken was heavily pursued by technology recruiters. After the interviews, he would just be glowing because after five years of working independently he was talking to people who really understood and appreciated what he did.

I was in Los Angeles that day, and Ken was on his way to the airport in San Francisco. After we got off of our respective cell phones (I know, it's a very Californian thing), I realized that Ken's experience was much like my own in Ohio. When we talked about it later that night, we began to refer to it as the Sally Field's syndrome ("You like me. You really like me!" from her infamous Oscar acceptance speech.)

In the Artist's Way, Julia Cameron talks about certain people in our lives that are, shall we say, less than supportive. She attributes this to many things - one of the key factors being jealousy. Many of us live much of our lives surrounded by people who, although they may not be outright negative, don't support or encourage us in what we do. That is what makes the situations where we are truly appreciated all the more important.

In order to be appreciated - the people doing the appreciating must have certain characteristics. First, they must be genuine in their respect. In order to do that, they have to be self-directed and self-assured. Julia Cameron says that jealousy is important because it is an indicator about what is missing from our lives. We often misunderstand it and misuse it, but if we can really be still and listen our sub-conscious mind will give us direction from the jealousy we feel. The more "on target" we are in our lives, the less jealousy we feel.

Being appreciated, however, is not enough. What gives us that 'They really like me' feeling is being appreciated by people who are your peers, and whom you respect. In the traditional cycle, in order to respect and appreciate - we must be comfortable with where we are in our lives, we must be self-directed and self-assured. Seeing a pattern here?

There is an old adage about needing to be able to give love to feel love. I have written about my belief that it is only the love we give that matters. For those of you that may not have read the newsletter then, I will give a synopsis of this. When someone loves you, the only way that affects you is in the way they act towards you. If you feel "loved" it is often because of rules we set up for ourselves. For example, I am loved if ___ spends time with me, or I am loved if I am given gifts. When those events happen, we feel loved. When they don't happen, we feel "unloved".

Think about this. You could meet someone and fall madly in love with them. Lets say they are a friend of a friend that comes for a brief visit and then leaves. You think about that person day and night. You ask about them and live for every bit of news you hear. However, you never tell that person that you love them. If you do see them, you might act distant just so they don't guess your secret passion for them. So, who does that love effect? It affects you. The other person doesn't even know you care but that event changed your life.

To get back to the Sally Fields story . . . being liked and appreciated is very important for artists - but it is a cycle, much like love. In order to be liked and appreciated, we have to like and appreciate in return. That means as artists we have to be big hearted and happy for our friends successes. A tall order - but also one that should reassure because it proves that our life, and ultimately our happiness, is in our control. By happy for others - and be happy with yourself.

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